Balatro (2024)

I worry I’m not living up to my ambitions

Balatro
by LocalThunk
Released on Apple Arcade in September 2024

When we were kids, my parents would take me and my sister to my great aunt’s apartment in New York a few times a year. When we weren’t off sightseeing with my mom, visiting some hole-in-the-wall hobby shop with my dad, or feasting on candy and siopao my great aunt picked up in Chinatown, my sister and I played card games and ate Babybel cheese. We loved to ball up the discarded wax into a warm ball and throw it as hard as we could to make it stick to the ceiling. My great aunt wasn’t so fond of that, but she was a great lover of solitaire and taught us some variations to keep the game from getting stale.

Fast-forward to 2004/2005, which my partner at the time and I referred to as Year of Sadness. We were in a holding pattern, both of us living with our parents while trying to figure out the next step. She was applying to grad school; I was getting back on psych meds. My doctor gave me Trazodone to help me sleep, which I often forwent in favor of five to seven hours of computer solitaire. I was sad and unstable, and my brain was misfiring on all cylinders. And yet I still often wonder why I didn’t channel that restless energy into something more productive. 

But, in retrospect, I don’t think solitaire was a waste of time. It was something that grounded me while I waited for my prescriptions to kick in and therapy to help me discover positive and productive ways to navigate my relationships. It gave me dopamine when my brain wasn’t producing any. It provided a logical, orderly structure when my life felt chaotic and uncertain.

A given behavior might keep us alive for a while but later hold us back from the life we want and deserve. It might straddle the line. This isn’t a moral designation—just a framework that I’ve learned and found useful as I try to be more compassionate with myself. 

What role does solitaire play for me now? I’m currently stuck on Balatro, a much lauded, poker-themed deck builder. I can play it on both my phone and iPad (my primary writing device), which is especially dangerous. I really don’t want to know how many hours I’ve logged so far this week. Last night I stayed up till four playing it. It’s been my constant companion when I take a break from practicing or housework. But I worry it’s starting to encroach on my time when I really have to buckle down and stay disciplined.

And discipline has been a mixed bag as I’ve settled into this new life. I’ve taken, like, five days off from guitar since May. But there have been plenty of days between then and now where I’ve eased up a bit, limiting myself to just a couple of hours spent on creative projects as a sort of demi-rest. I like to think I’m hellbent on making up for lost time, spending my afternoons and evenings boning up on my improvisation and shredding. But am I doing enough? Am I taking too many breaks and indulging in a behavior that doesn’t really serve me right now? Is this like an alcohol thing wherein it’s easier for me to abstain from these sorts of games than cordon off limited chunks of time to enjoy them? 

I worry I’m not living up to my ambitions. 

Speaking of alcohol: not to put my wonderful great aunt on blast, but she gave me my first rum and Coke when I was around twelve years old. While the memory is hazy, I imagine my parents watched with both amusement and horror, powerless to stop my first exploratory sips, not wanting to go against the will of their elder. I still remember the tumbler filled with ice, the cold crispness of the Coca-Cola, the rich burn of the rum that set me down a path toward adult alcoholism. By thirty, I figured out that drinking didn’t feel necessary or useful anymore.